Independance

Being bored last night of the quiet I went to visit my parents; this was a disastef as my mum got on to a subject well discussed and misunderstood, how I feel about my childhood.

Lets just say we differ on opinion, but it turned into this long boring discussion, where I said I don't feel independant. I was then, of course told why I was and should feel independant.

I don't like being told how I should feel; I feel how I feel.

Embarrasment

JT invited me to a housewarming, except he didnt tell the people whose housewarming it was; that was pretty embarassing. They didn't seem to mind, but I felt a bit crap anyway.

Got a bit carred away on Rockband but it was great, made me realise I really don't need a singer for the band, I can sing well enough damn it!

Feeling abit introspective; sad, quiet, and lonely. Still.

Randomness

I've been feeling a lot bette the past few days; I think it was talking to Paul, he's a good listener and his advice is really great.

I went out for dinner with family today which was nice; it was my cousin's birthday. He's a quiet lad and in part reminds me of myself, but then I realise I'm not quiet, I'm loud and demanding, I'm sometimes quiet so people don't get scared off by my personality.

This is a bad thing, I'm going to try and have my personality out a bit more and anyone who doesn't like it can sod off.

Just watched the finales of Dollhouse, I say finales because the final episode wasn't broadcast in the US of A but did here in the UK, being set in the future and being very confusing I can see maybe why.

I'm coming up with some song titles, time to explore them and what I can create.

I've been feeling better the last few days; I think this is because I've stopped drinking; alcohol being a depressant and all that. I still have the odd one, but not loads on a night out.

I went round to see a friend last night, he was in a similar situation about 6 months before me, he seems to have moved on quite well; he had lots of good advice, which was cool.

My attempts to set up a band are going very slowly, the singer who I was talking to turned out to love hair metal and wanted to do dodgy 80s metal tracks, which I despise; he insisted he wanted to play a particular song, which he played for me and Gaz, which was a real wrist slitter of a ballad, sod that! He is in a very similar situatoin to me, except he wants to wallow in self pity and grovel to his ex; not my style.

So...I told him we weren't going in that direction and thanks for his effort. That made me feel shite, but it's not my fault he's in that situation, I'm not his lifeline, i don't need that responsibility. I want to fucking rock.

I feel so alone, I still love her and need to be with her, but she doesn't want to be with me. I can't stand it, good times pop into my head constantly with the added tag of 'you'll never be able to do that with her again', I can't stand it; I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown, I probably am.

My life means nothing without her, I have elevated her so high that everything else pales in comparison, one look at her and I'm back at square one.

Which is so fucking annoying as even when I go out of my way so I don't have to see her, she's always bloody there, someone is taunting me, someone wants me to curl up into a ball and die.

Well fuck them, I'm not going to do that.

Finding somewhere to live

One of the worst things about splitting up when you live together is that you have to find somewhere new to live; you have to go back to your old house to move all of your things, and you have to be really nice to your new landlady to get her to let you move in your cats whom your ex despises and wont keep at the house they've lived in for 3 years.

That's after trawling the internet, estate agents and friends to find somewhere to live in the first place.

I've managed to get accomodation for one of my cats at my mum's, he likes to spend all day outside and sleeps at night; the other one sleeps all day and harrasses people at night, so my mum won't have him.

I'm not looking forward to ringing around all the usual places to change my address again.... AND now I have to buy all the household things again, you know, bed, vaccuum, sofas, cutlery, pans, tv. I already owned most of this stuff, but seeing as I'm being forced to leave my six year old son I can't leave him with a single chair to sit on.

Not Fun.

Janes Addiction at Manchester MEN

Went to see Jane's Addiction at the Manchester MEN on 14/07/2009 - I have to say it was quite surreal; I became a fan of Jane's well after their third(?) split, after Strays anyway, led to their majesty by the fantastic guitar work by one Dave Navarro on the Red Hot Chili Pepper's One Hot Minute; immediately hooked by Janes' fabulous approach to rock I was slightly disappointed with the prospect of never seeing them live because of their infamous feuding.

After hearing of their reuinion for the NME Godlike Genious award a small germ of hope was planted in my soul that they may tour and come to the UK; and then they did.

After enduring the opening act, Mew, I was ready for a band with some real presence and I wasn't disappointed; a screen came down and a projection of a young boy looking forward to seeing Jane's is talking to his father when Perry Farrell appears; the band's shadow was cast behind and the crowd's anticipation grew, when the screen went up it boiled over, Three Days kicked off and it was amazing. Dave showed why he's one of the most sought after guitarists around; Perry was bouncing around the stage like a hamster on fire; Eric was steady chocking out those bass lines, and Perky hiding behind his kit cut quite a storm.

Classic track after classic track I was enthralled; the encore of Stop was marred only by it being Jane's final song of the evening, and NIN as good as they were couldn never hope to dislodge Jane's Addiction as the greates act of the evening. The chance of new material seems slim, but this Jane's fan holds out hope!!

Acceptance

I think I've accepted the situation; I've been looking for places to live, I'm going to see a life coach to see how to get back on track; now though I'm not supposed to go to my own house to see my own son, "I don't think it's a good idea" she says.

To be honest, she's right; I need to stop seeing her completely, I'm going to have to get people to drop off/pick him up for me :'-(

Though I might have accepted the relationship's over, I'm now utterly depressed because of that acceptance, I realise what I have lost and I also realise it wasn't my fault.

It's been nearly two weeks; it's still impossible to accept. I miss her so much it's killing me.

I've been out with friends, but you can't go out with friends every evening; so now I'm at my parents house browsing the internet listening to audio plays, it's not how I saw my life. I want to be at home in my house, watching my television with my fiancee. But no, all I have are thoughts of what she's doing and who with and it taints my soul.

Shatter

"I don't love you anymore, I'm sorry", she said numbly; stunned, all I could manage was a sarcastic, "Nice." Awkward silence hung on the air as I struggled to speak.

I'd had to pretty much force her to tell me what the problem was, she hadn't been talking to me for a few days withour any reason, and had been moody for a few weeks; I myself had been pretty depressed, my mind inventing all kinds of scenarios, except for that one of course.

Nine years. Nine; she'd agreed to marry me only six months ago, she said she did love me six months ago but not now. We have a six year old son, with whom I have a pretty tumultuous relationship; he likes to wind me up, I shout too much; I think it wore her down, she saw only the cross irritated frustrated depressed me and not the laid back creative dedicated madly in love me.

You can't convince someone you're not who they see day after day, glimpses of a nicer personality aren't enough; recently I had become fatigued by her own moody persona and had imagined leaving; but daydreams are a million light years from the reality and the reality is I'm half a man.

There's a piece of me missing; and what makes it worse is that she probably doesn't feel the same way. Getting over this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done; I miss her intensely and everything reminds me of her; I can't stand the thought of her finding someone else no matter how far in the future that may be; at the moment I can't even imagine being with anyone else.

I need to progress through this, writing it down helps, but not much. Night time is the worst, a temporary bed at my parents doesn't come close to sharing a bed in my own home with the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with.