Shatter

"I don't love you anymore, I'm sorry", she said numbly; stunned, all I could manage was a sarcastic, "Nice." Awkward silence hung on the air as I struggled to speak.

I'd had to pretty much force her to tell me what the problem was, she hadn't been talking to me for a few days withour any reason, and had been moody for a few weeks; I myself had been pretty depressed, my mind inventing all kinds of scenarios, except for that one of course.

Nine years. Nine; she'd agreed to marry me only six months ago, she said she did love me six months ago but not now. We have a six year old son, with whom I have a pretty tumultuous relationship; he likes to wind me up, I shout too much; I think it wore her down, she saw only the cross irritated frustrated depressed me and not the laid back creative dedicated madly in love me.

You can't convince someone you're not who they see day after day, glimpses of a nicer personality aren't enough; recently I had become fatigued by her own moody persona and had imagined leaving; but daydreams are a million light years from the reality and the reality is I'm half a man.

There's a piece of me missing; and what makes it worse is that she probably doesn't feel the same way. Getting over this is going to be the hardest thing I've ever done; I miss her intensely and everything reminds me of her; I can't stand the thought of her finding someone else no matter how far in the future that may be; at the moment I can't even imagine being with anyone else.

I need to progress through this, writing it down helps, but not much. Night time is the worst, a temporary bed at my parents doesn't come close to sharing a bed in my own home with the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with.