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I know no-one actually bothers to read this and that really is ok, because it's simply a sounding board for my own thoughts.

I don't believe in the future. No really; I don't really understand it, but I live in the now. The actual now. I don't plan things for the future and the person who I remember being in the past doesn't exist and isn't really me.

Strange? Maybe; I'm going on holiday in two months time, but it doesn't feel real; I'm not excited I'm not organising things and I'm not worried about not having saved money to go.

I'm doing a cycling trip in late July, yet I can't motivate myself to train properly because my brain can't wrap itself around the concept that I'm actually going...it's like it's happening to someone else. This is why I don't have any money, I live now, if I have money now I spend it now, I can't save, I can't budget; I don't spend ridiculous amounts or anything, but I don't appreciate the fact that I might need more money later, I'll just deal with that when it happens.

This is a obviously a psychological thing, but I don't know what I need to do to get over it. I just don't know where to start.

Perhaps it stems from my belief that I don't really exist, the world doesn't exist and that my so called 'life' is the fever dream of a madman.

Independance

Being bored last night of the quiet I went to visit my parents; this was a disastef as my mum got on to a subject well discussed and misunderstood, how I feel about my childhood.

Lets just say we differ on opinion, but it turned into this long boring discussion, where I said I don't feel independant. I was then, of course told why I was and should feel independant.

I don't like being told how I should feel; I feel how I feel.

Embarrasment

JT invited me to a housewarming, except he didnt tell the people whose housewarming it was; that was pretty embarassing. They didn't seem to mind, but I felt a bit crap anyway.

Got a bit carred away on Rockband but it was great, made me realise I really don't need a singer for the band, I can sing well enough damn it!

Feeling abit introspective; sad, quiet, and lonely. Still.

Randomness

I've been feeling a lot bette the past few days; I think it was talking to Paul, he's a good listener and his advice is really great.

I went out for dinner with family today which was nice; it was my cousin's birthday. He's a quiet lad and in part reminds me of myself, but then I realise I'm not quiet, I'm loud and demanding, I'm sometimes quiet so people don't get scared off by my personality.

This is a bad thing, I'm going to try and have my personality out a bit more and anyone who doesn't like it can sod off.

Just watched the finales of Dollhouse, I say finales because the final episode wasn't broadcast in the US of A but did here in the UK, being set in the future and being very confusing I can see maybe why.

I'm coming up with some song titles, time to explore them and what I can create.

I've been feeling better the last few days; I think this is because I've stopped drinking; alcohol being a depressant and all that. I still have the odd one, but not loads on a night out.

I went round to see a friend last night, he was in a similar situation about 6 months before me, he seems to have moved on quite well; he had lots of good advice, which was cool.

My attempts to set up a band are going very slowly, the singer who I was talking to turned out to love hair metal and wanted to do dodgy 80s metal tracks, which I despise; he insisted he wanted to play a particular song, which he played for me and Gaz, which was a real wrist slitter of a ballad, sod that! He is in a very similar situatoin to me, except he wants to wallow in self pity and grovel to his ex; not my style.

So...I told him we weren't going in that direction and thanks for his effort. That made me feel shite, but it's not my fault he's in that situation, I'm not his lifeline, i don't need that responsibility. I want to fucking rock.

I feel so alone, I still love her and need to be with her, but she doesn't want to be with me. I can't stand it, good times pop into my head constantly with the added tag of 'you'll never be able to do that with her again', I can't stand it; I feel like I'm having a nervous breakdown, I probably am.

My life means nothing without her, I have elevated her so high that everything else pales in comparison, one look at her and I'm back at square one.

Which is so fucking annoying as even when I go out of my way so I don't have to see her, she's always bloody there, someone is taunting me, someone wants me to curl up into a ball and die.

Well fuck them, I'm not going to do that.

Finding somewhere to live

One of the worst things about splitting up when you live together is that you have to find somewhere new to live; you have to go back to your old house to move all of your things, and you have to be really nice to your new landlady to get her to let you move in your cats whom your ex despises and wont keep at the house they've lived in for 3 years.

That's after trawling the internet, estate agents and friends to find somewhere to live in the first place.

I've managed to get accomodation for one of my cats at my mum's, he likes to spend all day outside and sleeps at night; the other one sleeps all day and harrasses people at night, so my mum won't have him.

I'm not looking forward to ringing around all the usual places to change my address again.... AND now I have to buy all the household things again, you know, bed, vaccuum, sofas, cutlery, pans, tv. I already owned most of this stuff, but seeing as I'm being forced to leave my six year old son I can't leave him with a single chair to sit on.

Not Fun.